Lube: how to level up your sex life

2023-05-18 19:18

Lube, or lubricant if you’re fancy, has had a bit of a PR problem to

Lube, or lubricant if you’re fancy, has had a bit of a PR problem to say the least.

Myth: lube is only for dryness. A lot of people harbour the misconception that lube is just for people dealing with vaginal dryness, or people wanting to have anal sex. Reality: we could all use a bit of lube, actually. While it’s very true that people with those sexual circumstances should be using lube to help them out, so should everybody else.

The myth that lubricants are only needed for "fixing" a sexual problem needs to be dispelled. Most women, young or old, with dysfunction or without, struggle with pain, discomfort, or vaginal dryness during sex at some point in their lives.

In fact, as many as 75 percent of women experience pain during sex at some point, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Experiencing these symptoms doesn't always point to a dysfunction (though it's worth discussing it with a doctor to rule it out). Sometimes, you simply need a bit of help making things more pleasurable, and there’s no shame in that. That’s exactly where lube comes in, so it's about time we normalised it.

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And if you’re one of the 25 percent who has an easy breezy painless sex life, you still need a bottle of lube (or two) on your bedside table. Trust us — we can all benefit from lube and all it has to offer our sex lives. Mashable spoke to experts to get the down-low on lube’s versatility, options, various benefits and how exactly to incorporate it into your sex life.

Why are so many people not using lube?

Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationships expert at sex toy brand Lovehoney, explains that many people skip the all-important lubing up step for sex simply because they don’t believe they need it — presuming it to be for treating sexual dysfunction.

Zachary Zane, a sex educator and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, says heteronormative culture (where queerness is sidelined) and ideas about sex makes this misconception worse. "I think there's this [untrue] idea that you should naturally have this 'wet ass pussy'" (WAP) and if you don't have a WAP then something is wrong with you," Zane says.

Some straight or heteronormative spaces even take this idea to a very toxic place. "Men who have sex with women sometimes avoid [or don’t even think] about lube because they see it as a failure, like 'I should be able to make my woman wet, and if they're not wet and I'm doing something wrong, it means I'm not masculine or good at sex or they're not attracted to me.'"

Because of this, people have these insecurities and these false conceptions around lube and end up not using it. Zane, who is bisexual, says his own experiences of sex with women and men have been vastly different concerning attitudes towards lube. "I'd reach for lube while having sex with a woman and she'd be like 'oh my god, I'm already wet enough I don't need this, why are you grabbing this?' It just shows that people think something is wrong with them if they need lube," he explains.

Of course, this is not the case. Lube is for all, regardless of sexuality or what type of sex you’re having. In fact, it can make all types of sex so much more pleasurable.

How can lube improve my sex life?

Lube is for all sexual acts including masturbation, penetration (solo or partnered), oral sex, breast play — you name it.

Knight tells Mashable there’s much to be gained from using lube during sex, no matter who you are and what sex you’re having. "Lube’s primary purpose is to reduce friction and enhance pleasure for both people with penises and vulvas," she tells Mashable. "Whether through penetration or external stimulation, the use of lube and reduction of friction means less chafing and more pleasure."

Lube opens us up to new pleasure experiences that are hard to achieve naturally, from temperature play to tingling sensations. During breast play lube can help make the breasts slippier for ease of movement and create pleasurable tingling sensations around the nipples. During oral sex, lube can be used to add flavours for a bit of fun for the giver and experiment with temperature and sensation play.

This also works during vaginal sex. Zane says that, for penis-in-vagina penetrative sex, "The vagina is already naturally lubricating, which is why so many women think they don’t need it, but water-based or hybrid lubes [a mix of water and silicone] can make vaginal sex so much more pleasurable," Zane says. Sure, you can already get wet. But why not get even wetter, and add in some extra tingly sensations lube provides for a bit of fun? Lube isn’t about correcting a wrong — it’s about making what’s great even greater.

Lube isn’t about correcting a wrong — it’s about making what’s great even greater.

Lube can even spruce up a handjob, taking it from pleasurable to the "oh-God-wow" realms. The giver can take a dollop in their hands as you stroke up and down the shaft as they perform the handjob and the slipperiness will offer extra pleasure to the receiver. Coating your hands in lube during any kind of hand play will up the ante for you and your partner.

"Lube can also be used to add flavour to oral, experiment with different sensations, and even delay ejaculation, making for a prolonged sex session, depending on which lube you use," Knight adds. It’s a truly versatile and inexpensive tool, so it’s worth having a few options to hand.

Which lube should I use?

The lube options in stores can be overwhelming, so it’s important to keep some things in mind and filter your search. Before you go shopping for your new favourite sex tool, it's important to think about what type of sex you’ll be having and what will work best for you. Lubes come in oil-based, water-based, silicone-based, and organic varieties, and some of those don’t mesh well with certain sexual scenarios.

First, you’ll need to think about how your vaginal microbiome (or flora) — which are the microorganisms in your vagina which affect pH balance, and your ability to warn off vaginal infections and other health conditions. It’s pretty important. In The Vagina Bible, The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine, gynaecologist Dr. Jen Gunter explains that certain water based lubricants can affect your vagina’s microbiome to a degree. "The World Health Organisation has guidelines for water-based lubricants. They recommend a pH of 3.5-4.5 (which is the same as the natural vaginal pH) and an osmolality of less than 380 mOsm/kg (this is the concentration of molecules in water." Essentially, low osmolality means fewer molecules, and less bother to your flora and overall vaginal health. A higher osmolality can result in vaginal irritation by pulling natural water out of the vagina.

SEE ALSO: How to give a handjob like a pro

It all sounds very complicated, but don’t panic. Companies that provide lube understand your needs for healthy lube and to know how lube will affect your vagina, so you can usually find all this information on the packaging.

Gunter warns about particular ingredients found commonly in lube. "Glycerin is a preservative found in many water-based lubricants. They have a high osmolality and so a total glycerol content of less than 8.3 percent is recommended," she writes in her book. "Yeast can potentially use glycerin as a food source so it can contribute to yeast infections, or thrush."

"There are also parabens and preservatives found in some water-based lubes," she continues. "They are endocrine disruptors, meaning they can act like a hormone on tissues with a potentially negative effect." She explains that these are, for the most part, safe, but the dose used is particularly important. If your lube contains parabens, pay attention to the recommended amount to use on the bottle, and don’t over do it.

She also notes that ‘natural’ and ‘organic’ lubes are merely marketing terms, and so they’re something to watch out for, as customers may assume this means there’s nothing that can cause harm inside. "All water-based lubes will have parabens and preservatives in them, so 'natural' does not mean preservative free," she explains. Natural manufacturers are essentially offering the same thing as any other water-based lubricant, so be sure to check the ingredients and continue to be mindful of parabens, now matter how the lube’s being sold.

If you’re someone who regularly struggles with health issues like yeast infections, this is especially something to keep in mind. And, as Gunter warns, "make sure you regularly check the ingredients [even if you always buy the same lube] as companies are often changing them."

There are also some lubes that are incompatible with other sex tools like condoms and toys. Zane warns that if you use latex condoms, oil-based lubes are a no-no. "They will actually erode and break latex condoms, whereas water-based lube is safe to use with latex condoms," he explains. "Oil-based lubes can also cause stains on the bed sheets, which can be a little annoying for some people. It’s all about your individual preference. Water-based tends to not do this, so it’s a common favourite."

What about anal sex?

Lube is extremely important for anal. Of course, we just made a whole song and dance of lube being for everything and Not Just Anal, but seriously — lube is an actual safety measure for this type of sex.

Zane warns that, because the anus doesn’t self-lubricate like a vagina, things can go wrong very quickly if anal is attempted without lube. "Some people [incorrectly] think you can use spit to make up for the non-self-lubricating, but if you attempt anal without lube, spit or not, you’re going to get anal fissures, tears, or worse," Zane tells Mashable. Lube-less anal can result in issues from haemorrhoids and faecal incontinence problems to bleeding around the anus, and anal sphincter injuries, according to one medical journal.

Attempting anal sex without any lubricant can cause serious pain or injury. In fact, Knight says it should be used for every kind of penetrative anal play, whether you’re using a penis, fingers, or a sex toy.

Lube-wise, Knight recommends picking up a product specifically made and marketed for anal sex, rather than picking up any old bottle. "Anal lube tends to be thicker and slippier (and this is much-needed for anal sex), and you can usually find water-based lube specifically catered for anal sex," she explains.

She adds that silicone-based lube is also a popular option for anal sex, as it allows both parties to experience more sensation as it doesn’t need to be as thick. Zane adds that, for anal sex, "silicone lube also lasts much longer because a little goes a long way, meaning you’re less likely to need to reapply."

While silicone lube is a winner for anal sex, it’s worth knowing that some of them don’t react well with certain ‘real skin effect’, silicone, ‘jelly style’ or soft-finish toys. Silicone lubes can cause them to turn sticky, peel or even rot, and if small (sometimes unnoticeable) holes develop in your toys, they can store bacteria and make them no longer body-safe.

What if I’m trying to get pregnant?

It’s a common misconception that some lubes attack sperm, but Gunter says whether or not you want to get pregnant shouldn’t really impact your lube-purchasing decisions — beyond avoiding too many of those nasty parabens.

In her book, she notes there have been many studies over the years into whether or not certain lubricants affect sperm function, but they’re conflicting and unreliable. There even used to be "spermicidal lubes" which gained popularity in the 80s for their supposed contraceptive abilities — but they never actually worked and soon left the shelves (or, at least, they changed their description).